We had got through the formalities at Jeddah airport and were on a bus waiting for the driver. He arrived and then disappeared for about half an hour locking us on the bus.  One brother didn’t seem to like this and after trying all the buttons and controls resorted to beeping the horn of the bus on and on for ages.  Eventually the driver returned and was furious with the man beeping the horn.   So there was a row and he again stormed off, but this time leaving the bus open.  I was feeling claustrophobic on the bus squeezed into a tight space so went out with the intention of finding somewhere to make wudu.  When I got back I sat on the inner steps at the middle of the bus and started to read Salawat as Sharif.  A very young Saudi official had got on the bus and was marking the seats and he came up behind me and harrumphed loudly, but as I didn’t know he was there I ignored the prompt.  Some sister prodded me and people were so concerned he would say there wasn’t a seat for me and take some more time, I rapidly refound my seat.  After making salawat I found my seat was much more spacious. 

After a time the bus set off and choruses of Labaik allahumma Labaik started all over the bus.  We passed through sandy regions and small towns until we arrived at the Pilgrim reception centre.  Here we had a welcome stop to make wudu and pray.  We were also given ZamZam water and a box of snack food.  For me the main significance was to be walking on the ground most possibly  walked upon by our beloved Prophet(saw).  Looking round at the land and seeing reddish hills that he probably saw. Mashallah. 

After a time, and by now I was mastering my impatience and trying to live every moment in the present, we set off for Mecca.  It was a  big city, and I wondered when we would arrive at our hotel.  At one point there was a tantalising glimpse of the Haram but then we stopped in some suburb and were given bracelets in lovely shiny red plastic (!) to wear, in case we got lost.  We set off again, and even some time later we pulled up at the side of a concrete underpass and got off the bus.  We were there.  The cases were pulled off the top of the bus and we took ourselves through the crowded pavement into the cool of the air-conditioned shopping mall... and up the escalator to our hotel.  The contrast of the five-star luxury of our hotel with the memory of our journey and the process of going through Jeddah airport was quite shocking.  We waited to have our rooms allocated and once we had four sisters we went up in one of the beautiful lifts to our room.  Although there were four beds squeezed into the space, it had everything we needed, and also a TV which we did not need, but fortunately there was a channel that played the Qur’an constantly.

We were very tired, it was around 4am and we had been travelling without proper rest for nearly two days.  Next morning we heard some had gone straight to the Haram to pray Fajr and make Tawaaf.  Mentally I wanted to but physically I had to rest.

At some point we woke and found breakfast.  I don’t remember if we went across the the Haram as soon as possible but our hotel was directly opposite the Haram and so even praying in the hotel mosque counted as praying in the Haram.  After dinner and Isha prayer we met to discuss Umrah.  The night the group formed to go across to the Haram to make tawaaf and do the Umrah.  We started out together mostly recognisable by our green backpack string bags, and our green name tags.  We strode out across the pavement to the nearest of the 99 doors of the Haram.  We formed a chain, holding onto each of our group as we moved forward into the crowds.  The excitement of stepping into the mosque, the crowds and remembering to take off shoes, meant that it was difficult to remember to say the dua and step in with the right foot, so I wasn’t sure if I did any of it right, but my intention had been clear.  The excitement was tremendous, and we stepped forward on the cool white marble floor being polite and courteous as we moved towards the Kaaba.  Remembering to keep my gaze lowered as we approached the few steps that go out from the mosque down to the floor surrounding the Kaaba I looked up and caught my breath as I first saw the Kaaba.  It was powerful and I felt so humble and incredibly happy: nothing else in the world just being there was everything.  We moved down the steps and formed a group together making Tawaaf.  I had no way of remembering the duas and prayers that I wanted to say, but fortunately our group included Sheikh Hussain from Dublin, and he shouted aloud the duas for us all to repeat.  It was amazing.  The feeling of being in the right place at the right time, of belonging and being part and being complete and being THERE!  As we passed the black stone and held up our right hand: “ Bismillah, Allah Akbar, Bismillah Allah Akbar! I felt my hand radiate with energy and it felt like the best thing I ever experienced.  We stepped on with joy and happiness.  The power of the Tawaaf!  Each step was deliberate and yet gentle and careful, I was concious of being part of the whole, powerful and yet insignificant.  I wanted to go round and round for ever.  I looked up at the night sky as we went our rounds and saw birds circling and coming to and away from above the Kaaba.  I read somewhere that birds never rest on the Kaaba except that they are injured, and then they are either cured or die.

The beauty of the Kaaba, the sheer energy of being close to it cannot be described, I wanted to look at it and just keep looking, but was aware that we had to show proper respect and keep our gaze lowered, and this was hard to do.

Soon we moved away from our orbit and left the floor behind the Station of Abraham in order to find space in the mosque to make our 2 rakat.  This was difficult as there was little space and people were moving passed all the time.  We made our rakats then the group reformed to go for the ZamZam water.  We went onto the upper deck and the brothers passed the plastic cups out to us.  I drank the milk-tasting water deeply, pouring it over my head and rubbing it on my face as I watched Umm Khalil do.  We then went together to the Sa’y area.  We started and the Sheikhs made duas then we marched out.  It was very hard on my bare feet to be walking on the marble floor, but as we stopped at Safa or Marwah and made dua I could feel energy and strength coming to me.  When we made the final dua at the end I marvelled at my hands as I held them out in dua: they felt like I was holding something heavy, like a pile of books across the base of my palms.  It was uncanny, and as each of the sheikhs added his duas my hands were pressed slightly lower and lower by the invisible weight. 

We returned to our hotel and trimmed each other’s hair.  Umrah Mubarak! Out breakfast in the hotel was incredible, especially as our table overlooked the Haram!  I found that time in Mecca went slowly, but this was very good, as we were able to fit everything into our days in a very beneficial way.  Everything was ordered around our prayers and worship, and after Isha we would join the brothers in the Mosque in the hotel for a talk.  We would then sleep for a short time then return to the Haram for Tawaaf or prayers.

From our room, us four sisters decided one night to make extra Tawaaf, so as a group we set off to the Haram and then onto the floor around the Kaaba.  I was leading the group who were in a line one behind the other behind me.  I was cautious to start with, but saying duas aloud for the others to repeat, and gaining confidence we continued our rounds.  On about the third Tawaaf, one sister spoke to me, with a light in her eyes, saying: “ Lets try to touch the Kaaba” I was surprised, then frightened, then seeking Allah’s protection we made duas and moved towards the Kaaba, finding spaces opening up for us in that direction.  It had never occurred to me that I could touch the Kaaba. Soon we were close, and it looked possible but even as we got closer, stretching out my hand, I could not reach it.  Then I touched it, aware that my sister was already there, but two others were not.  I looked round and saw one stretching forward her arm, just out of reach, and her niece pulling her arm towards the Kaaba.  I turned fully to help the struggle, but then she was able to touch and all four of us were there.  Alhamdulillah. There could have been an idea of just remaining standing there touching the Kaaba, forever, but we knew we had to move and quickly we were back into making the round.  The point were we entered back into the Tawaaf was the hardest.  Suddenly we were in the worst squeeze, I found myself almost gasping for breath because of the crush of people against us.  It seemed unbearable and submitting to Allah, I was wondering if this was it, and then we were back with some space in front of us and everything was calm.

After our Tawaaf we prayed then made our way to the top floor to stay for the fajr prayer.

Usually after Fajr prayer we would return to the hotel for breakfast, then a short sleep, or shopping for gowns or other essentials.  Going across for Zuhr and sometimes staying until Asr, then resting until Maghrib, then dinner, then Isha then the talk.  The food was very good, our location was excellent  and life went on in the best way.  Then we went to Mina. We waited for the coaches learning more sabr... We finally arrived in Mina and though our coach driver got a little lost, so we were at Arafat before he got directions back to where our tents were in Mina.  It really was tent city, but very organised.  I felt that if I left our little area I would be unable to find my way back by myself, so I mostly stayed in the tent! They were confusing alleyways between the tents and the entrance was a flap that barely covered the opening.  The floor was roughly covered with colourful but thin mattresses and each had a tiny pillow and a sealed folded blanket..  We chose our ‘spot’ and put our bags down and took in the scale of the tent and the number of sisters sharing our space.  It was quite big but I felt at home.  There was a huge air-conditioning system in the ceiling at the middle of the tent and this was quiet – it wasn’t on at this time.  It started to rain, a few drops at first. I made jokes about going camping – it always rains! But then the lightening and thunder started with vengeance and the rain stormed down.  It started pouring into the tent by flowing down the flaps and straps.  The power was turned off and we worked using the packaging from the blankets to block up the gaps in the tent.  Mattresses got soaked and had to be lifted up away from the edges of the tent.  Some sisters went out into the rain and got soaked through in a very short space of time.  It rained and rained.  The next day too.  In the chaos of the tent with bedding and belongings everywhere we organised lines for prayer and squeezed in to pray where we could.   To start with it was virtually impossible but as the days in Mina went on, it became easier and easier to pray in impossible places between bags and poles.

The time in the tent was as one time, the days merged into night only marked by the rakats of prayer until the time came for going to Arafat.  We learned that the coaches transporting the pilgrims to Arafat was allocated on a random basis.  We had drawn a late coach.  As the afternoon drew on, we became anxious anticipating the coach.  As we went out to the road to wait, it became more and more apparent that most pilgrims had gone to Arafat.  I couldn’t believe that I had come this far on my Hajj to not make it to Arafat before Maghrib.  I was becoming stressed at this delay, until I realised that I was the guest of Allah, if He wanted for me to come this far and not complete Hajj then that was how it was to be: I felt myself mentally and physically submit to His will, in complete acceptance and happiness.  At this point the coach arrived.  There was just one coach and the brothers insisted that sisters get on first and have seats, and with all speed they crammed into the remaining spaces and even onto the roof.  I marvel at their sabr and generosity and good manners and thank God to witness this beauty; for I am certain that everyone was conscious of the short amount of time left to pray Zuhr and Asr at Arafat.  We arrived at Arafat and passed between narrow gaps in the colourful tents to ours.  There was a deal of shuffling around as some others had mistakenly been put into the brothers tent.  We grouped together to make the Zuhr-Asr prayer then the brothers moved off to their tent.  We had some food and drink then were called to go outside to where the sheikhs were making duas.  This was so beautiful and the power of this weighs so significantly on me.  I returned to our tent and was quietly sitting in contemplation as some brothers near our tent were singing salawat in Urdu.  The beauty of their singing in the context of where we were made me break down and I sobbed and sobbed.  I became concious of others around me and noticed that some others were also in private contemplation.  It was close to Maghrib time and we moved outside to make dua as the time came in.  This was also emotional for me.

We seemed to be of the last to leave Arafat and when at last we were called for our coach the tents around us were mostly deserted.  As our coach drove through Muzdallifah I was astonished at the number of people: there seemed to be standing room only.  We drove for a long time and when we stopped it looked like a scene from Blackpool beach or some refugee crisis.  I was aware of people and shoes lying everywhere amongst the stones and litter, but very close together; but the feeling when I stepped off the coach was of incredible peace.  It was so quiet and calm.  I walked through the people in a daze, my  eyes telling me this was awful, where were we going to find any space, there was no privacy, but my heart was telling me, joy oh joy this place is beautiful and calm!

Once again the brothers were gentle and merciful, giving up their places to provide  space for the sisters.  We put down our mattresses , prayed and started to collect stones.  When we had the 7 we lay down to sleep.  It was so uncomfortable, there were rocks sticking up and there were people all around.  My two close sisters and I just giggled and giggled, looking round in amazement.  It was a bizarre situation.  Others just went straight to sleep.  I felt I would never sleep, but then I was being woken to go back to Mina, having had a really peaceful sleep.

Walking back to Mina was good, it felt good to walk, it was great not to be in a coach!  This was Hajj! We got back to our tent and it felt good to be home!

One time there was a talk by one of the sheikhs.  The brothers had rigged up a speaker system so that his talk was broadcast into our tent.  I liked to listen but not all the sisters were interested enough to stop chatting with their friends.  At one point, I was really annoyed and found myself snapping at a sister wanting to chat with me even through the background of the talk.  Sabr.  The next day it happened again but this time I could contain myself no longer and clapped my hands to make the sisters quieten down.  It made little difference and I was so sad that they would waste the chance to learn something from someone who had better knowledge than ourselves. But this had taught me something.

At some point  our group took us up to the Jammarat for the first of the stoning.  Because our group contained women we went late in the night when the pillars would be quieter.  We set off walking in a group and I found it surprising the feeling of resoluteness that was over me – as we went on I found myself striding out in a rhythmic almost marching fashion, like some soldier going forward to some battle.  At the same time it felt almost like a carnival going on around us, there were so many people about and there were stalls open selling food and drinks.  As we got nearer to the Jammarat the atmosphere became more charged – a sense of presence and anticipation.  The outside could be described as looking like a multi-story car park and its approach was certainly modelled on such.  We went up one of the ramps and then up and up on escalators.  The excitement became electric and entering the great space containing the three pillars reminded me of some great underground cavern such as in the great Gouffre Berger, in France.  At this time there were actually very few people around and our group almost had the  pillar all to ourselves.  Throwing the stones was fun, and we quickly finished our tasks and duas and walked out of the structure.  Outside the way back led us through a mass of  people camped outside in the open virtually blocking the way.  It contrasted strongly with the way into the Jammarat and was a surprise to me.   We walked back in a different mood, more reflective and relaxed than we had walked there, in a lighter frame of mind.

Back at the tent, we returned to sleep and reflective moments. 

That day had been very hot, and even with the air-conditioning the tent was very warm.  Some of the brothers and those of their wives set off to walk to the Jammarat and then on to Mecca.  Again because of the group containing women the sheikh for the group advised that we could take easier options and travel at night to the Jammarat and complete our stoning in the same night by making two passes, and then walk on to Mecca.  As this was the group arrangement I was happy to follow the consensus, particularly as I had no other knowledge the fiqh of Hajj.  At around 1130pm we set off with our small backpacks and marched towards the Jammarat once again.  This time there were significantly more people around and we walked as a solid mass of people towards the Jammarat. Through the tunnels I felt my adrenaline level increasing and a sense of committing to the will of God: here was danger, it felt dangerous.  However, the same sense of purpose and commitment accompanied us into the Jammarat.  Because there was more people there was a greater feeling of danger at the actual stoning, it seemed very likely that someone would get hit by a stone.  But this stoning was more intense.  Instead of just saying “Allahu Akbar” as I threw the stone, I was mentally saying: ‘That's for making me miss prayers’,’ That's for making me rush prayers’ etc., as I covered all the sins that I could think of.  This meant I had a real feeling of casting specific sins off.

We finished the first pass, and our guides tried to take us back up to the first pillar again, but the Saudi police wouldn’t let the group go back up, and they tried to send us out and back around.  This would have been a very long walk, so our leaders suggested that if we went back individually the police would not stop us.  It was very exciting, with the feeling of dodging the Saudi police, walking back up to the first pillar.  I mentally made myself invisible – who would notice a large and hot looking woman walking up, probably looking for her husband...  From the corner of my eye I saw that my two friends who were walking together had been intercepted by a policeman and I hoped they would be able to try again.  Sure enough our group gathered again at the first pillar, ready to make the second pass.

We left the Jammarat to walk down to Mecca.  It was now the early hours of the morning but it was still hot and there was still a solid mass of people.  Our group were in very good spirits and some of the brothers were calling loudly, ‘Allahu Akbar’ but no others seemed inclined to join in.  We walked with the large crowd until we got to a place where there were buses.  Although we wanted to walk, our organiser found us a coach and we arrived near the Haram in Mecca, actually feeling grateful for the lift because I for one was tired.  As we walked around the Haram we stopped for ZamZam water and suddenly  I felt I wanted to complete the Hajj that night by making Tawaaf and Sa’y.  We soon arrived back at the hotel and the sheikh discussed our options with us.  We could complete it tonight whilst it would be relatively quiet, or do it midnight the following night when it would almost certainly be very busy.   I wanted to complete it that night, it felt right, and even though I was tired it felt that it would be the best option and we could always walk slowly.  This was decided, so we went to our rooms to have a quick shower and change and were back in the hotel lobby in half an hour.

It felt powerful to be striding out to start the Tawaaf.  And though we should have felt very tired, I felt energised and strong making Tawaaf.  We went to make the 2 rakats and drink ZamZam.  We were led to the topmost floor to make Sa’y.  This was very quiet, and it was magnificent to be able to swing by the edge a little and look at the Kaaba.  I found I could keep going in a strong pace that didn’t falter by making dhikr; ya dafeeoo ya maneeoo ya mooeed iyaka na’abudu wa iyaka nastayeen.  I repeated this over and again in pace with my walking.  As we stood to make the final dua, the early call for prayer was made.  As we were standing I could feel my spirit souring with the call, it was an incredible feeling.

One of our guides then lead us down to the basement, and because I was anxious to make the night prayer before fajr started I was grumbling.  However, he brought us to the bottom of a ramp that lead up to the floor in front of the Kaaba.  I was amazed and grateful, and he then found us spaces in front of the Kaaba for prayer.  I cried.  I had never imagined that I would be able to offer my night prayer and fajr in front of the Kaaba.  I prayed 2 rakat and have to admit that I peeped up at the Kaaba as I stood for I could not believe the magnificence of seeing that and praying there. Alhamdulillah.

The final farewell Tawaaf was to be on a very busy night.  There was an enormous amount of people about even though it was the middle of the night. We had a large group, but the brothers made a protective ring around the outside and the sisters walked in the middle.  This worked very well, for the crowds making Tawaaf were great.  Occasionally the brothers admitted other women into our group to protect them and we were a happy band.  On about the 4^th or 5^th Tawaaf we lost half of the group.  I had no idea until at one point we were unable to move forward and I looked behind and didn’t see the rest of the group.  I assumed that they had stopped for a rest, though later found out that two of our group had been knocked to the ground, even with the protective ring of brothers and one sister had been trampled.  They were not too badly affected and were able to complete their Tawaaf.

Hajj changed me.  I felt more assertive, more positive and more fitted to worship Allah than I had before.  Even more than I had felt whilst in Mecca, I found that once back home I was reflecting on my Hajj more and more, finding new revelations about myself and my purpose.  In explaining my experience there were obvious things that I had learned, such as sabr, sabr and sabr!! I felt that I had been shown that I needed to look for opportunities for myself that I perhaps thought would only be available to others, perhaps better than me.  Hajj taught me that these opportunities were for me, for who was I to decide how I might fall into Allah’s purpose.  I recognised that I had to take responsibility for playing a bigger role and not to assume that I should sacrifice myself for any body else’s purpose.  Each individual is equipped to serve only Allah, not to assume that another is more important. In one of the final talks in our group, volunteers were asked to share with the whole group what they thought they had learned from Hajj.  One sister’s comment stands out for me: she said she learned that she was just as good a Muslim as everyone else.  With all the different races and types of men and women on Hajj, all jostling together, you get a good view of everybody, so it teaches you that you are insignificant but you are also as special as everyone else, with as much right as anyone else to be there, at Allah’s invitation.